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August 29, 2024
Are you struggling with the decision to say goodbye to your beloved pet, finding it hard to cope with their loss, or unsure how to comfort others, including children in such times?
We have invited Ann-Marie Troy, the founder of Be More Dog. With her experience in Dog psychology and pet bereavement counselling, she will share how to say goodbye to our beloved fur family members and navigate this difficult period through her touching experiences.
Ann-Marie Troy
Qualified Canine Behaviour Consultant. Certified Family Dog Mediator and Trauma Informed Pet Professional who specialises in complicated and sensitive behaviours. A qualified Grief And Bereavement Counsellor and Pet Bereavement Counsellor who provides support for Senior, ageing, end of life and behavioural euthanasia. Also a member of the team at Carlow/ Kilkenny dog shelter. Ann-Marie’s passion is to support the relationship between animals and their caregivers from the start of their journey together, right through life and beyond.
Saying Goodbye With Love
“The pain of pet loss is real because of the love and emotion shared; the grief is valid!”
Saying “Farewell” or “Goodbye” is one of the hardest experiences we face with our fur family members. Even for Ann-Marie, a pet bereavement counsellor who has guided countless others through their grief, the loss and sadness are deeply felt and understood. Her childhood experiences resonate deeply with pet bereavement, reflecting the unique support and bond between humans and their pets.
I was a child who grew up in a very violent, abusive household. I didn't dare speak out or stand up for myself. I had this little dog, his name was Benji, and he was my everything—my best friend and my safety net. My parents would always threaten to take him away from me. One day I came home from school, and he was gone. I was inconsolable for days on end, just sobbing, crying my eyes out. Then, I found my voice and I started reaching out to teachers. From there, I was removed from the home and I spent the rest of my years in a fantastic childcare facility. So, the loss of Benji saved my life.”
This profound experience ignited Ann-Marie’s deep love for animals, especially dogs. As she pursued her studies in dog psychology, she was naturally drawn to pet bereavement. Although it was a small part of her coursework, it sparked a significant interest. She delved deeper, obtaining qualifications and dedicating herself to helping pet owners overcome these final challenges.
Why Saying Goodbye is So Difficult?
Losing a pet, a family member, is heart-wrenching, and the decision to say goodbye is fraught with difficulty. Ann-Marie points out that the special bond with an animal comes from their unconditional love, non-judgment, deep connection, and lifelong devotion. Pets witness us at our worst and support us through life’s toughest changes, serving as a constant presence. Moreover, an animal often links us to someone who has passed away, making the loss even more impactful.
People are not being emotional or dramatic. Grief is a real thing. If a dog has passed away and someone contacts me, I find out that often it was originally their parents' or grandparents' dog. When they love and care for that animal so much, they're really loving for two. When they lose that animal, they're going through both losses, the last bit of connection. That's very overwhelming for people.”
The difficulty is compounded by the fact that our pets cannot speak, making it incredibly hard to decide when to say goodbye. This is especially true for service animals, who play an essential role in their owners' lives, providing critical support and connection to the world. Losing a service animal means losing a lifeline, which makes the farewell even more challenging.
According to psychologist and professor Elizabeth Hartney in an article published on Verywell Mind, emotional pain can often feel as strong as physical pain. It's important not to underestimate these emotions or suppress them. At the Senior Paws support group, we often see people struggling with the decision to put their dogs to sleep through euthanasia. Because our pets cannot tell us when they're ready, it becomes an incredible challenging and emotional decision to make.
It's very rare nowadays for an animal to pass away naturally on their own. People will say things like, 'The dog will let you know when he's ready.' No, we can cause unnecessary suffering. It's also important to remember that because our animals have such amazing lives and we take such great care of them, we are already actually prolonging their lives. We don't want an animal suffering; euthanasia should always be viewed for exactly what it is—we are offering them a peaceful passing."
When Is the Time to Say Good Bye?
So, how do you know if it’s the time to say goodbye to your beloved pet? Several key indicators can help guide this decision. Start by evaluating your pet’s health, behavior, and overall happiness. Regular vet visits are crucial for monitoring significant medical conditions. Look for signs of chronic pain, difficulty moving, or severe health issues that impact their quality of life.
Pay attention to changes in behavior, such as increased aggression, withdrawal, sleeping difficulties, or anxiety, as these can signal a drop in overall well-being. Notice if your pet still enjoys their favorite activities and interacts with family members. If they seem consistently distressed and in pain, discuss the situation further with your vet about possible solutions and keep them updated.
Consider how often your pet has good days versus bad days. If there are more bad days with discomfort than good ones, it might be time to make that difficult decision.
Track the good days and bad days on the calendar; you’ll be able to get an overview of how many bad days there are. Photographic or video evidence is amazing, particularly for taking to your vet to photograph changes, such as mobility changes and other things that you might not notice. It’s important to use your calendar to discuss these things with other family members: 'What did today look like for you?' 'What’s your perspective on health today?' Because sometimes the main caregiver is so close, we can be a little bit in denial.”
Additionally, consider the financial burden of ongoing medical treatments and care. Reflect on how the pet’s illness impacts the caregiver's emotional and physical well-being, as well as that of other family members. These factors should be part of the decision-making process to ensure that the choice is best for both you and your pet.
Your vet is the most important professional in your animal's life. It is always important to discuss these things with them. We don't have to let our pets suffer needlessly. A great vet will respect you and listen to the information you provide. We do all estimations and then go to the best.”
Ann-Marie also points out that while some people focus on whether their pets are still eating, this isn’t a reliable indicator of overall well-being. Other factors such as pain levels and overall comfort are equally important to consider. The decision should take into account both your pet’s condition and your own situation, aiming to make their final days as peaceful and loving as possible.
Preparing for the Goodbye: What to Do Beforehand?
When you know your pet’s time might be limited, creating a "bucket list" of special experiences can be comforting. This might include visiting their favorite places or engaging in meaningful activities. Capture these moments with photos, paw prints, and keepsakes to offer solace and keep their spirit close. Consider letting your pet enjoy some special treats or activities they might not have had before.
Some pet owners consulted with their vet the option of in-home euthanasia, which can provide a familiar setting during their final moments. It’s also wise to plan for what comes after your pet's passing. You might want to discuss the process and options with a pet funeral service beforehand to ensure everything is handled according to your wishes. Remember, even if you have an appointment scheduled, it’s okay to take your time and adjust plans as needed.
Ann-Marie shared a touching example from her experience with her senior dog Sid, who passed away in recent years, highlighting how to cherish the final moments with beloved furry family members:
Sid loved the beach no matter what time of the year it was but he just couldn't. His mobility was gone so I carried him onto the beach. We sat on a blanket and he was just staring out watching the waves through his cataracts. When it was the last day, I let the other dogs see him, everybody saw him, and everybody said he looked so lovely. To be fair, it was one of the most peaceful passings I have ever experienced. From all my doubts, he really was ready to go. It really was unfair to try and keep him any longer.”
Navigating this difficult time with care and compassion can help bring comfort and meaning to your farewell. Remember, you are not alone in this process, and reaching out for support can provide the comfort and closure you need.
I would love if people reached out for support beforehand or during those difficult decisions because studies have shown that when we seek support before loss we tend to cope a little better after. There really is so much you can do to seek support—you could create a little support network to support you in a difficult decision, always with your vet, someone like me, supportive friends and family, the supportive ones who get what this loss is going to mean to you.”
How to Cope with the Grief of Pet Loss
After the passing of a beloved pet, it’s natural to experience a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, and even relief. These feelings can be overwhelming and deeply personal. Ann-Marie emphasizes that these emotions are all part of the grieving process, and it's important to allow yourself to feel them without judgment. A common response among pet owners is self-blame—wondering if they could have done more or made different choices. Ann-Marie, having experienced this herself, stresses that forgiving yourself and recognizing that you made the best decisions with the information you had is crucial to healing.
Even though I should know better, I'm still human. It still happens for me that I question my decisions. It's a time when our brain totally turns against us, just throws all these 'Why didn't I do this?' 'Why didn't I do that?'. As difficult as it is during that time, it's important that people understand that the guilt, going over every little detail, is your mind's way of trying to cope with the loss. Try and stay with what’s in your heart, the reality, that you love them deeply and they love you and you do the very best you can and they know this and trust us."
Another pressing question often asked is: "When will this pain end?" Ann-Marie gently reminds us that grief cannot be rushed or easily measured.
The first two years of grief are still considered early grief. People often contact me six months, eight months, ten months after a loss, and they are deeply struggling and suffering. It's usually from the lack of support and understanding. That can even happen within a household. As I said, we grieve differently, we deal with things differently, and it will take maybe one longer than the other."
Recognizing that each family member may process grief differently is also essential, as is respecting each other's journey. Discussing how to handle your pet's belongings together can foster consensus and provide mutual support.
It is important to note that loss can come in many forms: the passing of an animal, a lost or stolen animal, or difficult decisions like rehoming an animal or behavioral euthanasia. Acknowledging these losses and the people who go through them is important.
When supporting someone who is grieving the loss of their pet, approach them with sensitivity and understanding. Sometimes, well-meaning words can unintentionally cause more pain. Avoid phrases like "It was just a dog" or "You can always get another one," which can minimize their grief. Instead, offer a listening ear and acknowledge their pain. Simple statements like "I'm here for you" or "I know how much they meant to you" can provide comfort and validation.
How to Help Children and Other Pets Cope with Pet Loss
When a pet passes away, it can be particularly difficult for children and other pets in the household. Ann-Marie suggests that honesty is key when helping children navigate their feelings, ensuring that explanations are appropriate for their age and emotional maturity.
Always be as age-appropriately honest as you can be. We do not lie to them… It’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to miss them, and it’s okay to grieve and it’s okay to cry. Teaching a child that you’re upset, that you’re grieving, shapes a child for future losses."
Children deserve to know the truth, but it should be explained in a way they can understand. Avoid using phrases like "they went to sleep" or "they’re running free on a farm," as these can confuse or frighten them. Instead, explain what has happened in a gentle and supportive manner, allowing them to ask questions and express their feelings.
Encouraging your child to express their emotions, whether through drawing, writing a letter, or simply talking about their feelings, can be incredibly helpful. Let them know that it's normal to feel sad, to cry, and to miss their furry friend deeply.
It’s also important for children to see that it’s okay for you to feel these emotions too. By sharing your grief with them, you’re teaching them that it’s natural to feel pain when we lose someone we love. This openness helps them learn how to process loss in a healthy way, now and in the future.
If you have other pets at home, they might also feel the absence of their companion. Ann-Marie suggests maintaining routines as much as possible while also giving them extra attention and love. Keeping their environment stable and comforting them during this time can help them adjust.
Animals grieve too; they grieve their family members. There are amazing stories from around the world of how animals have grieved other animals and humans too. They’re sentient beings and it can be particularly hard on animals when they lose other animals in the home."
Honoring Your Pet’s Memory
Grieving the loss of a pet takes time, and there is no right or wrong way to do it. Ann-Marie advises allowing yourself the space to grieve and remember your pet in ways that feel meaningful to you. This might include creating a memorial, keeping a photo album, or writing about your experiences.
I've had the sudden, unexpected rush to the vet at four o'clock in the morning, where I've had no choice but to say goodbye. I've had the planned euthanasia all equally as heartbreaking. No matter how many losses you experience, no matter how old you get, it never gets easier. That emptiness is overwhelming until you finally accept that when you open the front door, they're not going to be there. But it takes time."
If your pet passed suddenly or under unexpected circumstances, allow yourself to process it at your own pace. It’s okay to mourn deeply and remember your pet in a way that feels right for you. Reach out for support, and give yourself permission to grieve.
Forgiving yourself—for those of us who are suffering from the loss of an animal. We’re suffering because we loved them so much, and if we loved them so much, you can be sure that we did everything we possibly could physically. We cannot possibly foresee everything in life. We do the best we can, and our animals do not judge us. The grief you are feeling is normal, understandable, and it is valid!"
Whether you’re facing the difficult decision to say goodbye or coping with the loss afterward, remember that you’re not alone. Our pets knew they were deeply loved, and their presence enriched our lives with joy. The unique moments we shared with them will never fade away.
